Hurts Too Much
by McDreamyPGD13
Summary: After the premiere of Season 9, I feel that we need to see what happens between Meredith and Derek when Meredith returns from the airport. Possibly a one-shot, unless you think it should continue.


**AN: Okay, so I know I haven't updated my other story, **_**Life Changes in a Heartbeat**_**, in eternity. I am really sorry about that. So many things have come up from finishing high school to now being a little over a month into my first semester of college. But, Thursdays premiere brought something to light. I really wanted to address the fact that Meredith wasn't there for Derek and again chose Cristina over her husband. Once again, Meredith, a fictional character, has managed to piss me off, leaving Derek to grieve the loss of his best friend since childhood and basically his brother alone while she sits at an airport bar with Alex Skyping with Cristina! So, in this possible one-shot (could be more if you want it to be), I will let my frustrations be heard through Derek. I hope you enjoy and please let me know of any feedback you have like if you want it to continue or stay a one-shot. Oh, and again, I'm sorry about my other story; I will see what I can do about that. Now enough of my ranting, see if you like it! **

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It was getting late. Zola had fallen asleep hours ago and I was still sitting in the living room of our dream home, alone. My best friend, my brother, is dead. Why, why did this have to happen? Fucking plane had to crash. While I sit here, thinking about everything, I realize that the one person I need the most right now is not here. Where is she? Why would she disappear on me, especially now? Anger rises in me. My best friend is dead and my wife isn't here. I feel that once again, she has chosen Cristina over me. I can't believe this. I almost feel as if I am overreacting, but, this isn't the first time she has done this. I constantly feel this way, as if my wife, _my _wife, is choosing her best friend over me. She is always making decisions based around Cristina and her life instead of mine. As I get up to get some scotch, the one I keep stashed away for times like these, I see headlights shining through the window. Meredith. I watch as she gets out of the car and think _well, at least she came home_. She walks through the door and as I sit back onto the couch in the living room, her eyes connect with mine. I see a vague sense of sympathy, but she doesn't even know the half of it. As she looks deeper into my eyes, I can't take it anymore. Tears begin to fall down my face, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. Mark is dead, and my hand went numb in the OR. That, she definitely doesn't know about. She finally speaks, breaking the silence between us,

"Derek, I…", she has no words. She has no idea what I am feeling right now. She slowly makes her way over to the couch, sitting down next to me.

"This can't be real", I choke out through sobs. She moves her hand up and down my back, running her fingers through my hair in an attempt to help me feel better.

I don't know what to say to her right now other than, "Where were you?"

All she does is look at me, as if I had no idea she wasn't at the hospital when she said she would be.

"Derek…", is all she can say. How can she have nothing else to say? She must feel a little guilty. She attempts to change the subject.

"How did your surgery go today?"

Wrong topic.

"You want to know how it went?", my voice rises, sheer frustration and hurt filling my every vein, "It was going great until half way through my hand went fucking numb!"

Her face is one of shock. She had no idea since I didn't see her since before the surgery even began. I rise from the couch, pacing around the living room, scotch still in hand. I'm infuriated not only with her, but myself as well. I may have pushed myself too far, but I'm just sick and tired of waiting to do what I have always loved and known for so long. It has become part of my life, a piece that I don't want to lose, especially now. She rises, seeing my anguish. She moves towards me, reaching to put her hand on my shoulder. I move my shoulder away, still mad at her.

"Derek, I'm so sorry, I had no idea. And about Mark,"

"Don't". It is still too fresh, and hearing his name said with such remorse and sympathy, it's too painful.

"You were going to go see Cristina, weren't you?"

She gives me a look.

"Don't lie to me, not now".

She finally responds, telling me what I had already thought in the first place.

"Yes, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay on the plane. And then Alex didn't get on his plane because he decided to stay. And then we were sitting at the airport bar, talking to Cristina. I'm so sorry Derek, about everything"

I'm thrown for a loop. Not only was she leaving to go see Cristina, but when she decided that she couldn't stay on the plane, she hung out at an airport bar with Alex.

"But, why? Why now?" The desperation and weakness are evident in my voice, and I hate it.

"I just, can't do it anymore. All of the death, it hurts too much".

I understand that she didn't want to deal with anymore death, especially after…

I can't even finish the thought. That still hurts too much too. But, it's not like I wanted to deal with anymore death either, especially not my best friend, my brother. I still can't believe any of this is even real.

"Do you really think that I wanted to have to watch my best friend die?" Now I'm yelling again. It hurts too much.

"No…" She can't even speak anymore, seeing my face, hearing the anger in my voice, the hurt.

"I've known him since we were kids. We did everything together. Me having four sisters and him not really having any family of his own, we bonded. Became brothers. And now, he's…" The tears continue to flow, except now they fall heavier. Why did this have to happen?

"I know, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, really. Maybe not as fully as you do since you knew each other longer, but I can relate to losing someone that close to you. I'm sorry you had a horrible day"

"Please, don't ever leave me, ever".

My body is now shaking with my sobbing. I'm no longer able to control my emotions. I put my glass down on the table, and she pulls me into a hug. I don't resist, instead, I hold on tighter. My tears fall full force, and there is nothing that can be done to stop them. The familiar scent of her hair comforts me, but it can only do so much. She whispers hushing noises in my ear, trying to sooth me.

"I'm not leaving you, ever. We will be together forever, I promise" Now look who's the optimist. But, it's comforting, at least, as much as it can be right now. I bury my head into her neck, much like she does when she is crying and I hold her.

I'm still filled with anger, but not really directed at her anymore. I'm angry at everything. The plane crash. My hand. Lexie. Mark. It's all too much to deal with, especially all at one time. I'm glad now, at least, that I don't feel alone anymore. I have my wife. If anything had happened to her in that crash, I don't think I would be able to live anymore. I couldn't do any of this without her; just the thought of her not being here with me pains me. Each of us has almost died twice and for both of us, those times were the worst. But, we pulled through.

Somehow, some way, we are still here, alive, and I will never take that for granted.

Ever.

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**AN: So… what do you think? I know it's a little short, but do you think I should keep going? Please feel free to let me know any comments/questions/criticisms/etc that you may have, any and every review helps. Thanks so much! **


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